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Merry Christmas. This is a time to celebrate love, peace, harmony, and understanding, or at least I think that's what it's supposed to be; maybe I have it confused with the 60's. Maybe it's all about loving your fellow man and buying him a turkey? Anyway, a lot of different religions have shit going on at roughly the same time and so our religious winter holidays have to peacefully coexist. Two of the most famous religions, Jesus and Santa, even have a kind of comic book crossover relationship, although they try to avoid being in the same room at the same time. So keep this spirit of tolerance in mind when reading the rest of this post. My purpose is not to offend, nor to laugh at others, but to laugh at others.

So the other day I was stoned and just doing random google searches out of boredom and I did a search for "I like to fuck Jesus". Hey, woah, wait a sec- I kinda had a point to it. I was curious if there was some religion like this, or if at least some people were out there being nuts about it. Reason for this thought was that my wife tells me she had sexual fantasies about Jesus while growing up Christian, and that many friends of hers have confessed the same thing. And we all know that gay Christian males love Jesus just a little more than straight Christian males. So are there people taking this sexy Jesus thing and running with it? Yes there are. A description a cult from an informational site:

They take bridal theology further than other Christians by encouraging members to imagine that Jesus is having sex with them during sexual intercourse and masturbation. Male members are told to visualize themselves as women, in order to avoid a homosexual relationship with Jesus (male homosexuality is an offense warranting excommunication). Additionally, members are instructed to say "love words," or talk dirty, to Jesus as they are having sex.

Yes, specifically mandated (or at least suggested) phrases to say to Jesus during masturbation or intercourse. http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Love_words_to_Jesus is the link for the love words list. I like how it's broken up into two parts- one list for people who blush easily, and one list for dirty sluts who really want to fuck Jesus hard. So you've got everything ranging from "Jesus, You're the Lover of all lovers", "I want Your kisses", "I want to woo You, Jesus, and to be wooed by You", all the way to the other end of the spectrum- "I'm desperate for Your big, hard penis! I crave it, because I want Your seeds!" or "I crave You, Jesus. I'm hot for You! My legs are spread to receive Your penis! Enter into me! Give me Your seeds." Amen. By the way, I tried this, and it made me cum for half an hour. Just kidding. Not.

That's definitely the highlight of the whole thing. But there are also songs. It's just love songs meets praise songs. Obviously, praise songs are basically gay (or straight) for Jesus songs anyway- as riffed on in that South Park Christian rock episode- so it kinda fits naturally. Some of them are really funny.

The song "Kiss Me" expresses love for God and all the normal stuff, but includes the lyrics "kiss me, embrace me, and fill me with your seeds". http://archive.xfamily.org/audio/Loving_Jesus/04/05%20Kiss%20Me.mp3

The song "Queen in the Sky" has a black man asking Jesus to "make me your queen in the sky". Hmm. http://media.xfamily.org/audio/misc/trail-of-my-blood/12%20Queen%20in%20the%20Sky.mp3

"Let's Make Love" is fucking called "Let's Make Love". http://media.xfamily.org/audio/Loving_Jesus/04/06%20Let%27s%20Make%20Love.mp3

Other Loving Jesus tracks can be found here:http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Loving_Jesus_album

There are also some interesting posters and images on the same site, which I will refrain from posting due to the family-friendly nature of the Tag Team Records website.



Getting ready for the long, dreary winter. There's this horrible lag time between the nearly-bitter-cold weather hitting and the heat getting turned on. At least two torturous weeks. Don't call me a pussy. I'm not the only one who bitches about this. It's not easy psyching oneself up to get from the bed to the shower at 6:45 in the AM. Anyway, deal is most of China (excludes the South, which has no central heating, and the extreme North) gets its heat turned on all at once on November 15. (This has been posted after the 15th? Shhhh, go to sleep.)

Apparently, this system has been in place for more than 30 years and "is based on an old Soviet system used throughout the communist world." The Russkies were able to calculate, using some kind of averaging, that this was the date when temperatures would drop under 41 degrees. Now, while the wealthier Chinese are not on central heating and therefore not affected, something like 200 million poor people are freezing their nuts off this year. Ok, I'm really bored with this topic already and I have failed to uncover any kind of conspiracy behind it after 5 minutes of strenuous Googling, so let's just drop it. All it boils down to is what I say all the time, which is, Soviet = retarded. See, I just said it again. Hopefully that will piss off any of those weapons and tanks nerds out there.

Anyway, thanks for the emails. It's been really great. I liked hearing all your comments and stuff. You fucking assholes. Know this, I am a witch and I'm really skilled at witchery and I've taken down the IP addresses of everyone who has viewed the blog and not written me an email (hint: my mailbox is empty) and written those addresses on sheep skin and, well, I'm not gonna give away inside the magical circle information but start checking your private parts for warts, and disproportions even.

Ding didda ling ling ling, ding didda ling ling ling. Submissionaries news time. I know you're all fans. I'll take that as a given. We won you all over during our short, short career. Yes sir, that's the way to do it- in and out like a ninja. Form, blow through three drummers, record just four songs, develop coke habits, fuck your lead singer (my bad), infight and break up... all in the space of what, five months? And then live on forever in the hearts of the people. So Kelso moved back to Canada a couple years ago and has been spending his time farming and wrestling bears. Ok, the second thing was a lie. But he does harvest grain, probably rapeseed. I think what he was actually wrestling was cougars. But those days are apparently over. I just heard from him and he tells me he has not gotten laid in a year and a half. That's eighteen months. And I was sweating two weeks! Well, this is just a god-damned shame. I don¡¯t care if there ARE only 2 women to every 5 men in Canada. Look at this physical specimen- surely he has the strength of 10 men.


Will somebody please fuck this Canadian?

Women of Canada, come the fuck on. The man has worked as a penis model, for Christ's sake! AND he's a poet. In fact, he's written a poem combining his love of poetry with his love of his penis. Which I'd like to share with you (I have a private stash of his unpublished works):

MY BEAUTIFUL COCK
I was nineteen years old
When I was first told
I have a beautiful cock.
It was under a Dutch elm
And the autumn air
Bit at my balls
"You certainly have a pretty penis."
She said.
Pretty?
What a way to call a cock in fall.

Now, I wouldn't know anything about the penis part- I didn't screw everybody in the band- but I'll be a Norwegian flapjack if that's not good poetry. So I want to sort of issue a general alert. On the off-chance that there are women living Alberta, Canada who regularly check tagteamrecords.com I'm gonna put this out there: Please have intercourse with my friend. In fact, if you live anywhere in Canada, please get in your car, take a road trip, and then have intercourse with my friend. He should be easy to find. Just follow the only road in Canada until you get to Edmonton. Take a right at the meth lab and follow the screaming.

To send me an electric ball heater click here. (I'm genital-obsessed? Get used to it.)

   Hi. Gregg Vossler here. I’m going to be taking over the Tag Team blog, so I’d better introduce myself. Who am I? What is my major party affiliation? And what kind of breakfast cereal do I find most addictive? As it has been noted on this site before, I am the guy who was notoriously sneak-attack punched in the back of the head by a cast-armed, Santa-suited Matthew Kagler at the inaugural Tag Team Christmas party, which was at that time held at the Kagler home. Sadly, I have no photos to use as a visual aid, but I’m sure you all have good imaginations. All I remember is a blur of red and white and orange (beard), except that I don’t because I was punched in the back of the head and therefore saw nothing coming. That is all water under the bridge now, and frankly, I had it coming to me, since my bandmate/butt brother Kelso Sorenson was responsible for putting Matt’s arm in that cast. Guilty by association. We’ll call it even. But pssst, just between you and me, I still secretly consider it one owed to him. And I’ve bided my time for so long that he’ll never see it coming.

Yes, I have been a friend of Tag Team for a long time. In fact, I was a member of the first band ever signed to Tag Team- The Submissionaries. That first gig was the genesis of this whole god-damned fruity
cult- and me, the father. There was me, up there in my cut-off jean shorts, muscled thighs. Just absolutely butchering the shit out of Kelso’s songs. But Matt wasn’t even listening. He just kept staring at my beautiful blonde-haired thighs, which were only gyrating in his head, because thighs can’t gyrate. He went into a kind of trance. And there in that moment the idea for starting an indie label in Beijing was formed, sprung out of my thighs.

Also, I should add that I’ve basically (minus a number of years not exceeding 20) lived in China since I was ten years old, so anything I say about China should be taken as the God’s honest truth because I am an expert. For instance, I’m 80% certain that the answer I’d give you if you asked me who the premier of China was is the correct answer.

I want to take a second to welcome “King of Poplar” Ian Sherman back to Beijing where he belongs. He is pretty much the most badass cancer survivor I know, dismissing the carcinogenic effects of 5 million times the acceptable level of air pollution with a dismissive “pshaw.” He has recently been spotted DJing with a glass of a mysterious, viscous liquid with a syringe in it confoundingly sitting next to the CD decks. Mystery solved, he apparently injects what I’m told is a delicious caramel-flavored milkshake directly into his stomach, via a tube, between songs. Because pressing the play button works up quite an appetite. But the lucky bastard- that’s the way to eat. This is really what we should all be doing, since, come on, the mouth is being used for way too many purposes these days. And most of the food I eat on a regular basis just tastes like crap anyhow.

Send all hate mail and frozen sperm requests here



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